Lump O' Coal - Because You're an Asshole
Take 10% OFF your order with code HAPPY2023
Free Shipping + Transit Times
Contiguous US: Free Shipping on orders over $75. $4.99 on orders under $75. Average transit time of 4 business days. Rush shipping options are also available.
Alaska + Hawaii: Flat rate for all you can ship $23.99. Average transit time of 3 business days.
International: We ship to most countries. Shipping fee is based on weight and dimensions of order. Transit times vary based on your country's customs processing times.
Processing time: All orders ship from our warehouse in Virginia within one business day.
We offer free shipping on qualified orders over $75 after any coupons have been applied and shipping within the contiguous United States. Orders under $75 ship to the contiguous United States for $4.99 (more information)
Time To Ship
Orders ship within 1 business day from our warehouse in Virginia. Delivery days are shown during checkout. We offer standard and rush delivery methods.
APO + FPO Addresses
We ship to APO and FPO addresses via the USPS and include the required customs forms. Free shipping is not available.
Alaska + Hawaii
We offer a flat rate of $23.99 for all you can ship to Alaska and Hawaii.
Shipping charges are based on your delivery location and order weight/dimensions. You will be shown the cost and approximate delivery date during checkout.
60 Day Returns
Customer satisfaction is extremely important to us!
If you are not completely satisfied with your order, you may return your purchse with 60 days of receiving your order. (view full return policy)
Payment Methods + Secure Checkout
No need to re-enter your information! Check out quickly and safely with Apple Pay, Paypal, Amazon Pay, Meta, G Pay or Shop payment or your prefered credit card.
Ho ho ho! Not so fast, a--hole!
So, they thought they could outsmart Santa, eh? Well, our cheeky Lump O' Coal will show them otherwise. So, sack it to them with the perfect holiday gift for naughty boys and girls!
- Lump O' Christmas Coal - Because You're an Asshole.
- Participate in the tradition of gift-giving without all the ash kissing!
- 100% genuine premium hard coal with a beautiful all-natural submetallic luster. It's almost too nice to give away!
- The back of the gift tag features a fun checklist of possible offenses.
- Eco-friendly, vintage-red reusable jute bag.
- Mined and made in the USA!
And since the spirit of Santa Claus has pagan roots (dontcha know?) you may be interested in the metaphysical properties of coal! It's known as the stone of remorse, and is said to aid in acceptance and understanding of a situation and helps to break bad habits. So it makes perfect sense that Santa would hand out these rocks to little assholes to help them repent! Better luck next year!
Retro Wine-Red. Burlap drawstring bag. Measures approximately 4 inches wide x 6 inches tall. Our sweary Lump O' Christmas Coal contains approximately 3 oz of real anthracite coal, mined in the United States. It's the perfect Secret Santa or White Elephant Gift!